I had been through some tough times that I did not want to do anything. I was told by my parents to write in my blog but I guess I needed to believe in me. How many times have you heard that nobody will believe in you unless you believe in yourself. I heard it. Lot of times! So why I was not believing in myself when I needed the most? I don’t know. I needed approval from others to tell myself that I am a good person. I was cranky and irritated to the extent that I wanted to punch someone if they were not obeying the rules. I was constantly angry. I was angry that I have failed myself and my family. Even though I was listening to the motivational talks and doing everything to get me happy , I was angry and jealous of everything. I was angry that I am not organised and what they will say if they see my home! I was constantly blaming myself about what I have done and I was living the past of torture.
Did somebody say something sometimes that I got hurt? I guess. But they did not want to hurt me intentionally. Right? Then why I was holding to that and ruining my life? Why I would constantly dig into my past and would dig into “similar experiences that hurt me”? And then dwelling on them and tried to ruin my “present”? It is a present for me right? I would go over things that I left in the middle and did not complete till end. And would tell myself “I don’t complete anything”, ” I just gave up in the middle “, “I am not good enough “. And that would make me so angry I could not express myself. I would think am I worthy enough? Have I taken right decisions so far? Whatever I am doing currently, is this right? What others think of me? I should be good and presentable and all should like me and always speak nice of me. Can anyone relate to that? I was constantly in tension and frown became my friend. It was my self talk that was making things worse.
Fortunately I have my friends and family around me to support. I have my greatest cheerleader Sree with me. He told me, “Deepti , you are a fighter! Whatever happens, how many times you fail in your task, just get up one more time than you fail. You are a part of Deshpande family now and you know what Deshpande’s always finish their task whether it is good or bad. It may be extreme but I am not letting you quit till you finish. So whether the outcome is good or bad, finish the task you have. Don’t care about people judging you.” My dad always say this in Hindi – हाथी चाले अपनी चाल, कुत्ते भौंके हज़ार। That means “let the dogs bark but the caravan is moving on”. And one of our mentors Kulin Desai helped me to change my self talk. He also has written a book called ” Believe and Achieve “. It is available as an e-book in US as of now.
I listen to motivational talks and read motivational books everyday. In one of the talks the person said ” don’t tell me your defeats unless you have a victory to tell at the end”. And another person said – ” If you get angry because of someone, you are letting him/her control your mind and you are the one who should control your mind”. So what if I am not acting according to what people says. I have heard people say many things about me- that I am different. I am emotional, I am not as smart as ___ is. Old Deepti might have been hurt by this but new Deepti doesn’t care.
So what if I care about environment, and being green, and being animal lover and I want people to get along well and I sometimes fall and take not so good decisions. Learning from those mistakes makes you smart. Whatever I learnt till now should be for our betterment physically, spiritually and mentally . I won’t write ,” Right ?”. Because I know it is right.. Hey I might be crazy but not stupid! 😉